Centacare loves you!

In the year 2050 the Australian federal minister for Family Affairs has just announced new legislation which aims to promote the family unit in Australia. These changes affect all single people in Australia. Following pressure from the ruling Family First Party, this legislation proposes that all Australian citizens must get married before reaching the age of 30. Failure, or refusal to do so will result in the immediate deportation of such individuals.

In line with these new changes, Centacare Employment has embarked upon a new branch of its' operation. It presents:

Centacare Lovin' aims to help single people who are currently in a prolonged state of singleness. In order to help their clients (loveseekers) find true love, and eventually a life partner, Centacare Lovin' assists them by providing a range of activities. These activities increase a loveseekers' chance of finding a significant other and thereby minimizing the chance of a shotgun wedding.

Once a loveseeker has become engaged, the support from Centacare Lovin' does not stop there. The client must undergo Post Engagement Support (PES). This support makes sure the client stays engaged, happy and planning for that big day. Upon commencement of PES, the loveseeker is mailed a letter which looks something like this:

Congratulations on getting Engaged!

Now that you are engaged, I'd like to take this opportunity to keep in touch and let you know that we will be contacting you regularly over the next three to six months to ensure your engagment is going well and to provide assistance where possible. These contact times can be by phone or email. Please let us know which is more convenient to meet your needs and a time that is appropriate if electing to have phone contacts.

As part of Centacare Lovin's contractual obligation to deliver quality Love Network services to our loveseekers we are required, by the Department of Family Affairs, to retain evidence of your engagement on file.

Once again congratulations, I look forward to talking with you in the near future.

Y & Z
Post Engagement Support Team

At the same time, the loveseekers' partner is mailed a highly professional letter as thus:

Attention: Partner

Dear Sir/Madam,

Our client recently started work with you. In order to fulfil our contractual obligations to the Australian Government, Centacare Lovin' is required to record engagement details and monitor X's engagement for up to six months. To do this, we provide a service called 'Post Engagement Support' (PES).

PES simply means that we will keep in touch with you by phone once a month. At the 13 and 26 week milestones, in some instances, we may ask if you would mind completing a brief Engagement Confirmation for us. This provides evidence which we are required to keep on file.

Centacare Lovin' enjoys an enviable reputation as partner recruitment professionals with numerous offices in every state. The services we provide are Completely Free and can also include Post Engagement Mentoring (PEM) which assists you with retention, training and any additional life-partner needs you may have.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation and help and I look forward to speaking with you in the near future. In the meantime, if I can provide you with any assistance, please don't hesistate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Post Engagement Support

The Department of Family Affairs requires a few simple things from the client during PES. Every month the client must submit (by fax or post) a detailed list of every sexual act committed between them and their partner. This must be signed by both parties. This list includes every position, orgasm, blowjob and head given. It is vital to know this as Centacare needs to report this information to the Department of Family Affairs as required by legislation. This information proves that a loveseeker is indeed committed and serious about engagement.

Upon getting married, the support does not stop there! Oh no. It just keeps on going and going!!!! Until you're married and fucking hell leave me alone!!! Leave me alone Centacare!!! I have a life! It's none of your business how much I make! You don't need to tell my boss I'm a client of yours! You're not helping!!!!

Get the fuck out of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Me

Caffeine: Drug of the Corporate World

Today at work I used the coffee machine for the first time. I didn't know what I was doing and I think I accidentally made the strongest cup of coffee in the history of the human race. This is how my caffeine trip went:

I sat at my desk and consumed it. I start spinning a pen in my fingers fast and agitatedly. My feet bounce off the floor. They were bouncing before but this is even more so. After a few minutes I start losing concentration in what I'm doing on the computer. I can't help it. My mind is swimming. I feel as though I want to be genuinely enthusiastic about working with the people around me. I wanna be lively with my workmates and get along with them. My mind then switches to saxophone great John Coltrane's best piece: Giant Steps. I feel as though I'm playing the main riff on guitar and there is his band playing with me. We're being recorded in a studio. It's a very comforting feeling. I look around the office and realise that everyone must be feeling this. Wow. This is what they feel all day. Wow. Then I start feeling a cold chill through me. I look at my hand. It is shaking. My muscles are twitching all over. Even though it's a fine day I feel I really need my coat on now. I feel cold. I start fearing that I may have Parkinson's Disease. Shit. I don't want that. I start thinking about that as much as I like Back to the Future, I don't wanna be like Michael J. Fox. Marty McFly!!! Yeah!!!!

The trip faded out gradually from there. It lasted about 30 minutes. I hadn't felt anything like that before.


Not influenced at all by my holiday to trip-out-city, I bought a 1983 movie on DVD called Koyaanisqatsi. It's a Hopi-Indian word which means "life out of balance". It's a movie with music by wacky composer Philip Glass (main reason why I got it), features no dialogue and has mostly stock footage of various shit. It's an arty movie which I only saw 2 minutes of and decided: I've gotta see that. Unfortunately it's one of those films you need to see on a ten storey high screen to get the most out of. Ah fuck it.