Centacare loves you!

In the year 2050 the Australian federal minister for Family Affairs has just announced new legislation which aims to promote the family unit in Australia. These changes affect all single people in Australia. Following pressure from the ruling Family First Party, this legislation proposes that all Australian citizens must get married before reaching the age of 30. Failure, or refusal to do so will result in the immediate deportation of such individuals.

In line with these new changes, Centacare Employment has embarked upon a new branch of its' operation. It presents:

Centacare Lovin' aims to help single people who are currently in a prolonged state of singleness. In order to help their clients (loveseekers) find true love, and eventually a life partner, Centacare Lovin' assists them by providing a range of activities. These activities increase a loveseekers' chance of finding a significant other and thereby minimizing the chance of a shotgun wedding.

Once a loveseeker has become engaged, the support from Centacare Lovin' does not stop there. The client must undergo Post Engagement Support (PES). This support makes sure the client stays engaged, happy and planning for that big day. Upon commencement of PES, the loveseeker is mailed a letter which looks something like this:

Congratulations on getting Engaged!

Now that you are engaged, I'd like to take this opportunity to keep in touch and let you know that we will be contacting you regularly over the next three to six months to ensure your engagment is going well and to provide assistance where possible. These contact times can be by phone or email. Please let us know which is more convenient to meet your needs and a time that is appropriate if electing to have phone contacts.

As part of Centacare Lovin's contractual obligation to deliver quality Love Network services to our loveseekers we are required, by the Department of Family Affairs, to retain evidence of your engagement on file.

Once again congratulations, I look forward to talking with you in the near future.

Y & Z
Post Engagement Support Team

At the same time, the loveseekers' partner is mailed a highly professional letter as thus:

Attention: Partner

Dear Sir/Madam,

Our client recently started work with you. In order to fulfil our contractual obligations to the Australian Government, Centacare Lovin' is required to record engagement details and monitor X's engagement for up to six months. To do this, we provide a service called 'Post Engagement Support' (PES).

PES simply means that we will keep in touch with you by phone once a month. At the 13 and 26 week milestones, in some instances, we may ask if you would mind completing a brief Engagement Confirmation for us. This provides evidence which we are required to keep on file.

Centacare Lovin' enjoys an enviable reputation as partner recruitment professionals with numerous offices in every state. The services we provide are Completely Free and can also include Post Engagement Mentoring (PEM) which assists you with retention, training and any additional life-partner needs you may have.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation and help and I look forward to speaking with you in the near future. In the meantime, if I can provide you with any assistance, please don't hesistate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Post Engagement Support

The Department of Family Affairs requires a few simple things from the client during PES. Every month the client must submit (by fax or post) a detailed list of every sexual act committed between them and their partner. This must be signed by both parties. This list includes every position, orgasm, blowjob and head given. It is vital to know this as Centacare needs to report this information to the Department of Family Affairs as required by legislation. This information proves that a loveseeker is indeed committed and serious about engagement.

Upon getting married, the support does not stop there! Oh no. It just keeps on going and going!!!! Until you're married and fucking hell leave me alone!!! Leave me alone Centacare!!! I have a life! It's none of your business how much I make! You don't need to tell my boss I'm a client of yours! You're not helping!!!!

Get the fuck out of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Me