Legoland: Out of the Closet and On My Desk

A long time ago, there once lived a man. A man respected throughout all of legoland. His name was Dwayne. Like his pet fish, Isadora, he had a god awful name.



Despite being respected, he did have his fair share of misfortunes. For instance, he was forever cursed to have a gigantic lump on his head. Also, evolution treated Dwayne perculiarly. He had hands, although no fingers! Come to think of it, everyone in legoland had these abnormalities. In retrospect, the things that Dwayne needed to pick up fitted comfortably in his own hands. What a coincidence!

One day Dwayne was riding his chopper when he came across his old friend and fellow member of the legoland Nazi party, Leon.



Dwayne and Leon had a great time in the Nazi party. They primarily worked in the Ministry of Alterations. They exterminated black legoland people and, quote: "cleansed the white lego-race in the name of God and purified the soil of legoland with the blood of the facists".



"Hi comrade!" exclaimed Leon. Dwayne got out of his chopper, happy to see Leon. It's been a while since they last met. The last time they met was at a public hanging in which 3 legoland niggers died to the joy of thousands of white lego men. But before any discussions of recent nigger killings could take place, they heard a scream. A shout, a cry, of a fellow comrade. In pain oh the pain!



Leon and Dwayne were oblivious to the incident which happened approximately 30 cms from them. Although in lego terms, 30 cms would seem a lot, because, legoland only consisted of the area on Craig's desk. Leon and Dwayne rushed over to inspect the scene.



"Oh no! The Fuhrer! You killed the Fuhrer!" exclaimed Leon, with a smile on his face. "It wasn't me! It was you on the grassy knoll!" replied the mystery man, with the exact same smile on his face. "That's a lie! You tracherous swine!" screamed Leon, again, with that same smile on his face. The people of legoland could not express facial expressions. This perhaps caused much confusion among the population in legoland. One might theorise that this inability to communicate led to the racial scapegoating that was rife in legoland.

"Oh it's ooooon!!!" they mutually yelled.



Hmmm. What did they mutually agree on? Was it fighting? Or was it a gay threesome? The people of legoland got into these situations all the time. Unable to convey what they truly meant was a huge problem. Or was it?!?! Dwayne seemed to like the mystery assasinator going down on him, and Leon liked it when he was in positions of control. They all had huge smiles on their faces now!

Suddenly they sprung to their senses and started fighting! Rar! Although in no time, Dwayne put his gun to the assasinator's head.



With one decisive move of his finger...............? Actually how did the people of legoland use guns? How did they pull the trigger?!?!? One of life's many mysteries. Anywho, with the power of telekinesis, Dwayne pulled the trigger.



A flash ripped through legoland. As the bullet passed through the man's brain, it ripped his head clean off.



"Victory to the party! Oh glorious day for the white race!" exclaimed Dwayne, forgetting that their Fuhrer died a few minutes ago. What a twat. But with little time to celebrate, they noticed a rather large shadow eminating from behind them. What could that be? A nigger? No. Tis much worse. Dwayne and Leon turned around... their heads rose to take in what they saw.



Twas a beast of epic proportions!!!



Leon immediately recognized this as the work of the demigod Sarah. This leviathan was created around Christmas time. "It had never been a threat to legoland until now!!! Suddenly Leon and Dwayne sprung into action. They jumped up and landed on the monster's head.



They knew that the only way to destroy the monster was by shooting it through it's head. Though Dwayne suffered from a fear of heights. He peered down.



He started feeling quesy. Ugggh. His feet slipped! He fell and plummetted to his death!!!



He lay beside that huge scrachit Craig got for his birthday. Craig didn't win a cent on that. Fuck. Nevertheless, as Dwayne's corpse lay next to that giant, novelty scrachit, Leon yelled. "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!! My fellow comrade! My fellow nigger hater!!! My gay partner I frequently had sex with!!!"



Leon contemplated his life at that moment, on top of the giant beast. Will he ever grow fingers? Will he ever learn to use his face as a means of communication? Will he stop wearing that stupid pirate hat and stop holding that silly flag? Won't he ever grow up?!?!?!

THE END?

Afterword:
Jesus, I had no intention of making the characters in this story gay Nazis. I am really fucked in the head. Neither have I ever written a sex scene before. I spose I was trying to explain why I never played with black lego men when I was young. I honestly cannot recall seeing black lego men, or women! I've never seen a lego women before in my life. Though I'm pretty sure they have em now. I don't think this racist world would exist anymore. Current lego sets consist of many races of lego people, including women.

In summary, this story is a period piece, which is set in the early 90's. A racist period in lego culture. This racism is fueled by the inability to communicate non-verbally with others. Factors which contribute to this include:

• Static facial expressions
• Limited arm and leg movement
• Only one axis of movement in head
  

Since most communication is non-verbal, this is why they fail to relate to black lego people, and thus create in their little lego-minds, a little lego-stereotype.

Since there are no women in the lego world of the early 90's, the lego men are forced into homosexuality. Lego men turn to homosexuality, also because of their constant smiles on their faces. They're happy. They're gay. However, of course, homosexuality is strictly forbidden in the Nazi party. Hence, all members of the Nazi parties are still stuck in the closet and refuse to admit to their gay tendencies.

This anger about how the Nazi party represses homosexual activity is probably what prompted the mystery person to assasinate the Fuhrer. Immediately afterwards, all three of them indulged in a threesome. Without the ruling of the Fuhrer, they were free to express their forbidden desires.

With the execution of the Fuhrer, one might predict how legoland would evolve into the next century. The assasination may well have started a revolution. Without the Fuhrer they were so much more free. However, their limited non-verbal communication would still be apparent. It would still encourage racist behaviour and another Fuhrer may well have risen to the ranks. Perhaps the giant monster brought together the entire population of legoland. Perhaps they rose up against the monster, and the demigod Sarah and won! Thus creating a feeling of togetherness within the community.

It is interesting to ponder these questions and predict how legoland morphed into what it is now: a land where everyone is equal, and racial prejudices do not exist.

So I hope that this story will be used in the classroom as a story to seriously study. It will be right up there with nineteen-eighty-four, and brave new world.*

* Joke