i have a pet. it's name is rupunsel. it's a siamese poker playing fish. sometimes it goes on foxtel and competes in those texas hold em poker tournaments with such luminaries as ben affleck. although there isn't a fish category in the tournament, the directors of the aforementioned tournament do not mind having a fish at a fucking poker table
though they had to make arrangements
for instance, they needed to install an aquarium at the poker table, on a chair. now the chair needed to be approx. 1.2 metres from the ground. now the aquarium needed to hold at least 10 litres, for him to play poker in
they also needed to make special water proof cards, so they had to laminate an original deck, and also, translate the card symbols, ie: spade heart, and all of the numbers into fishy-speak
so yeah, he was playing along with ben affleck, though he couldn't talk to ben affleck because:
a) he's a fucking twat
b) he can't speak fishy-speak, and
c) he can't speak english, which is apparent if you see any movies of his
so yes, he was playing along, and he realised that on the river card, he had a straight flush! so he decided to bluff, and not bet much. ben affleck looked into the fishy's eyes. they were dead cold and as black as night. well actually they were black cos he was wearing a pair of sunnies. he looked fucking untouchable. like al pacino in scarface, first you get the sunnies, then you get the power
then you get, the fishies
he was also smoking his little fishy cigar, with bubbles trailing out of it, oh fuck man, he's was da bomb! so with his straight flush, he won the pot. and then he quit poker and then became a neo facist, niahlistic anarchist. he eventually became a member of the liberal party
but then he suddenly quit politics and retired at the ripe old fishy age of 2 weeks. he retired back to his old bowl at kristy's place. although kristy, thinking that he was a she called him some prissy girls name like isadora. he deeply resented that. he always wanted to be called something with a bit more dignity, like, donald, or craig. so he really hated his owner. she kept on feeding him
party pies
he hated these! hated hated!!! triple exclamation point!!! he got so sick of these, in fact he overate on these, and eventually contracted a disease called partypiesifuckinghatethemitus. although it's full scientific name is fuckwhycouldn'tkristyfeedmenormalfishfoodinsteadofthiscrapthatshethinksilikewellactuallyshelikessoshethinkseveryonelikesit
so eventually "isadora" *groan* died of that disease. he never believed in a fishy heaven, until the day that he died. that day changed everything. he went to the pearly gates of fishy heaven. he got to the gate, and he met this old looking fish, he asked him "so what was your name?" he says "well, it was isadora..." "isadora???" suddenly, the old geezer pulled down a lever, and the floor
underneath isadora gave way and he went flying down and down and down, into, fishy fucking hell
he hit the ground hard. *thump!!!* though it didn't really make that sound. after a while spent in fishy hell he realised that everyone here had gay names!!! look! there was coffee! oh and there was tv!!! wow!!! and over there was some prat named humphrey. though he realised that, humphrey wasn't his real name. he realised his actual name was damien
and so on and on he travelled through hell. meeting people/fish with gay names. he spent 6 years, 6 months and 6 days searching the bowels of hell. he eventually got a bit tired and decided to have a rest. then he started to think of all the plot holes in his life... hmmm.... how on earth can a fish talk? why is it speaking in english of all languages? and how can it survive in hell, or heaven, if
it needs water to survive in!!!! this was extremely puzzling to poor old isadora
he then realised that there was no purpose in thinking about such questions. these questions would only puzzle him further and eventually detatch him from reality. but why? he hated reality. he was cursed with such a bad name!!! oh! how he did loathe that.
he sought help from satan, who was, actually some annoying little kid fish called nemo. jesus christ. he asked satan "why do i continuously roam around your world and seek answers to the plot holes in my life?" satan replied "because this is a story, this is not reality. your whole life was never real isadora. it has been written by a person of high consciousness. a person by the name of, craig"
this abso-fucking-lutely stunned isadora. it made new connections in his little fishy brain. he thought "none of this is real! what about craig? is he real? is he??? how can i meet him?" isadora mused over this questions for months on end. finally he came to realise the way to meet almighty craig, was via msn. a mysterious digital force." he went to the local satanic library.
he immediately sought the section on microsoft. they were easy to find in the satanic library. reading about msn, made his eyes glow with anticipation. he can do it. he can cross over. not like in that crappy movie called, the mat reeks, or some gay name like. it would be better. so much better.
so after months of reading he decided now was the time. now or never. i shall connect to craig. and i shall meet my fate.
- Craig Curtis © 2005
